Inexperienced
by Darkfrozenmind
Summary: Can Brad accept Nagi's shady past...


INEXPERIENCED  
  
  
"in the arms of an angel  
fly away from here...  
and the endlessness that you fear  
you are pulled from the wreckage  
of your silent reverie  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort there  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort here"  
  
  
Crawford wished he hadn't asked.   
  
That he was inevitably silent when he heard the things he wanted to hear. The  
things he  
asked for, he was a fool but he wouldn't accept it, not even to himself.   
Self-righteousness was something he had a load of. And now with his pride and  
insistent curiousity, he held it all against Nagi.   
  
He sat in a far off palce inside his car looking over some hill which had a  
great view  
of the city, it was that time between daylight and night and the majestic glow  
of the  
skies seemed to be swallowed by some inevitable darkness.   
  
He stared ahead. Somewhere.  
  
Wincing at the thoughts that came rushing from all sides. The way he walked  
turned  
from him as he cried and walked out the door. He wanted to hold him but  
didn't.   
Because he believed he was clean, and after hearing what Nagi said he decided  
that he  
was dirty. Questioning his choice and his sanity, whether he shoud taint  
himself or he  
should just stay away.  
  
The latter won and he walked away, though he could hear him plead for him to  
stay,  
scream his name in that desperate timber.  
  
Crawford believed he was was clean, but he was cold.  
  
He adjusted his seat and leaned farther with the hopes of relaxing, finding  
answers to  
all the questions in his head...It was a haze of emotions that he felt just  
watching  
him speak, tell him everything he forced out of his mouth in the first place.   
secrets  
he saw but wanted to hear. He felt numb when he heard it, the way Nagi's mouth  
pronounced everything, the descriptions that formed vivid imageries of how Nagi  
coped,  
how he survived his years on the streets of an unforgiving city. How different  
they  
were. The clubhouse life against a meager one. And the gap seemed to grow  
wider,   
Crawford could see Nagi drifting farther away from him.  
  
It was his pride above it all. And he wondered why he felt so affected by it.   
Why he  
couldn't just find someone like him and hold a relationship and be happy, live  
the life  
he was used to and never look back. Why he couldn't leave Nagi and just go  
back to  
being team mates. why he cared about this whole thing...Why he loved him so  
much.  
  
It took all his will power to just drive away, with every stop light he  
encountered he  
wanted to turn and run back to him. It took all his strength not to pick up  
his phone  
as it rang relentlessly knowing it was Nagi on the other end.   
  
* * * * *  
  
"so tired of the straight line  
and everywhere you turn  
there's vultures and thieves at your back  
and the storm keeps on twisting  
you keep on building the lie  
that you make up for all that you lack  
it don't make no difference  
escaping one last time  
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh  
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"  
  
It was magnificent how shadows slowly trace the facade of the city, and before  
you know  
it, everything is pitch black contrasting the bright lights of a city that  
defied the  
darkness. He could only swing from memory to memory...how it all started with  
Nagi  
being candid some months ago and him watching from a distance...before  
everything took  
its place and he fell. A realtionship based on trust that seeped into  
unconsumed but  
earnest romantic love. He never knew he was capable of looking at another  
person of  
the same gender that way, it was a full detour from the straight and perfect  
life he  
lived. But everything seemed irrelevant outside the two of them. He wanted it  
that  
way, to keep him.  
  
But now he's faced with the dilemma of keeping him *for everything that he  
is*...and  
there was fear into breaking that perfection and facing the facts of who  
Nagiwas before  
he found him and made him into what he is now.  
  
Crawford's hand shook and he had to bow and silently cry in solitude. No one  
will ever  
see him cry. If he so willed it, the only person that would see Brad Crawford  
cry, was  
Brad Crawford. He was sheltered all his life, and even when he joined Esset, he  
maintained that lifestyle of glamour and accomplishment. Where everyone should  
be an  
asset, no friends just networks.  
  
He knew so little of love and everything that went with it. A 27-year old  
virgin, in  
love with someone used and abused for years. A man that lived in utter  
paradise,  
coming down to see what the real world was like through the eyes of someone  
whose seen  
the demons this world hid in simple masks.  
  
He never wanted a complicated life, just do your job and reap the benefits,  
maintain  
the lifestyle you've always known and earn more...a smooth road to follow. Two  
roads  
that lead to a final destination and the only road that was relevant to him was  
that  
road that was lined with thorns, it drew him like a moth to a flame, simply  
because  
Nagi stood at the middle of it.  
  
He had fallen, there was no turning back, it was all a question of being with  
him or  
not...and he had always known, he could not *be* without him. Licking his lips  
he  
slowly moved to put on his seatbealt and revv up the car's engine.  
  
A careful drive back to him...Nagi...home...his sanity, in his world of  
controlled  
madness.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Spend all your time waiting  
for that second chance  
for a break that would make it okay  
there's always one reason  
to feel not good enough  
and it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction  
oh beautiful release  
memory seeps from my veins  
let me be empty  
and weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight"  
  
It was close to midnight and he still wasn't home, a boy of 15 with none of the  
innocence stood by the window waiting, wishing he had said nothing that  
afternoon.   
That he had kept silent even though Crawford demanded to hear of his past...the  
way he  
whored himself, just to eat. It hurt so much to remember and he wished  
Crawford hadn't  
asked him to relive all those memories he wanted to bury. He wanted to be  
perfect for  
him, but how could he...  
  
All he knew was that the carcass has been broken in half and all he could offer  
was the  
decaying boy he was inside.  
  
He wish he would come back, as the Crawford he knew, not just his leader, but  
the man  
that held him tight at night. The man who kissed him like he meant something  
more than  
someone to be used. The man he loved.  
  
Beyond the cynicism of a boy that knew the facts of life all too well, he just  
wanted  
to be with him. Inexperienced with the ways of a *normal* life...both o them  
misfits  
in extreme oppsites.  
  
He loved him beyond that.  
  
He only wished Crawford would love him the same. Because he was his light, his  
life.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"in the arms of an angel  
fly away from here  
from this dark cold hotel room  
and the endlessness that you fear  
you are pulled from the wreckage  
of your silent reverie  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort there  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort here"  
  
  
  
Soft Yellow.  
  
Lights from his car briefly screened the garage before he parked and gathered  
his wits  
to face him. He would apologize.  
  
Quiet as he turned the key, and he stopped as he opened the door, lips pressed  
in a  
straight line as he closed the heavy mahogany door. Uncertain of what he had  
to say,  
as he stood there, infront of him. Nagi holding a cup of coffee, in  
anticipation of  
his arrival.  
  
He took the cup.  
  
The boy stepped closer, snaking nervous arms around his waist and pulling close  
to him,  
kissing his chest, such relief at his return. The man put his arm around his  
shoulders  
and tangled slender fingers with soft brown hair, pulling him close, kissing his  
temple.  
  
A quiet apology.  
One word. Sorry.  
The boy nodded.  
The man closed his eyes...lips pressed to skin.  
And they knew it was going to be hard, but eternity lay before them.  
They will live. They will be.  
  
  
~end~  
  
======  
lyrics used is by Sarah Mc Lachlan  
from her song called "Angel"  
taken from the album "Surfacing" and "Mirrorball" 


End file.
